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Last Mother’s Day, my mom was visiting me in North Carolina. She was sitting alongside my grandma and husband in the audience watching me graduate. We joked about graduation being the perfect Mother’s Day gift. We all went out to a little Mexican restaurant afterward. We joked about the Mexican food in NC just not being the same as it is in Texas. I think that evening, just us girls stayed up late watching movies on the couch. She (and Granny!) probably fell asleep before the movie ended – it was kind of an unspoken routine every time we visited – rent a few movies, stay up late watching them, Mom falls asleep before it’s over. It was such a simple day (well, besides the graduation), but the kind I would give anything to have again. I never would have believed that was our last Mother’s Day together, or that my mom would leave this world just a few short weeks later. It leaves me still with a pit in my stomach when I think about that fact.

Knowing that I will never celebrate Mother’s Day with my mom again is hard. Knowing that she won’t be there when I have my first Mother’s Day AS a mom kills me. I feel overwhelming sadness today. Sadness that I can’t call her today, or any other day. Sadness because – simply – I miss her. And today’s celebration of motherhood is dancing in front of my face while I struggle with my emotions about the whole thing. I also feel gratefulness. Grateful that I have fond memories, even if remembering them brings a bit of sadness and longing. Grateful that my mom was so amazing, and for the 22 years she was a wonderful part of my life. Grateful that she now knows peace beyond my comprehension. Grateful that I still have an amazing grandmother who is a part of my life and is always there. Grateful for all the women in my life who are amazing mothers and do what this day is about justice. I’m realizing that for me, this Mother’s Day is not so much a celebration as a day of remembrance, and a day of thankfulness for the amazing mothers who are a part of my life. Because as much as this day might hurt, somehow I am finding a bit of beauty and peace with it as well.

These flowers today are for you, Mom. Thank you for my life. Thank you for being such a beautiful part of my life. I wish you hadn’t had to leave so soon, and while I’d give anything to change that – I would also take the pain of losing you again and again if it means I get to hold you and and my memories of you in my heart forever. I know you loved flowers, gardening, and the simplicity of it all. So I got these for you today. And while they are nowhere near as beautiful as the life you had, I know you would love them and appreciate the simplicity and beauty of life in such a pure form. Happy Mother’s Day. Love you and miss you always.

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 Your mother is always with you… 

“She’s the whisper of the leaves
as you walk down the street. 
She’s the smell of bleach
in your freshly laundered socks. 
She’s the cool hand on your brow
when you’re not well. 
Your mother lives inside your laughter.
She’s crystallized in every tear drop. 
She’s the place you came from,
your first home…
She’s the map you follow
with every step that you take. 
She’s your first love
and your first heart break…
and nothing on earth can separate you. 
Not time, Not space…
Not even death…
will ever separate you
from your mother… 
You carry her inside of you…”
Author Unknown
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One thought on “Missing Mom

  1. Little late, but I just saw this. I never check email anymore hardly. This is so well written Rachel and well, simply put, brought tears to my eyes. Love, Aunt Nancy

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